The Last Few Weeks

As most of you know the last few weeks in our family have been filled with tears of joy which soon turned to tears of grief and mental anguish. I feel the only way to help people learn how we feel so they don't have to ask or for people to understand the process of what we are dealing with was to include it in our blog. Around Father's Day Paul and I found out we were pregnant. We were elated because I was worried my thyroid which I am on meds for would screw things up. I really wanted to wait to tell anyone except a close friend until we went to the doctor. After spending a day with Paul's family Paul pulled me aside and said he really wanted us to tell our parents the next day on Father's Day because it would mean so much to them and they would give us their support. We could then wait to tell everyone else later. I begged to wait but ended up compromising. Just as Paul thought our parents and Paul Jr were thrilled and incredibly supportive. I was terrified. I really wanted to wait until that next Friday which came all too soon.

We arrived at our ob/gyn's office and she was extremely nice but not as informative as I hoped. She did all her tests and an ultrasound and found the baby was only 6 1/2 weeks in size when it should be 7 1/2 weeks. She had trouble finding a heartbeat but did and it was in the normal range. She sent us over to the hospital where the machines are better and they said it looked good. We heard the heartbeat and our fears were lifted momentarily. The doctor immediately called back with results saying everything except the baby's size measurement and the hourglass shape of the sac were good. I was told that an hourglass shape could mean that the sac was collapsing from the center because of chromosomal abnormalitites. I was strictly told at the sight of a drop of blood or cramping to call IMMEDIATELY. I felt by her tone that it would definitely happen and to watch for it. This was not a good sign. She then said if I don't see you before come back in a week and a half and we will see where we are at but air on the side of caution.

That week and a half was pure torture. I spent the good part of it scouring the internet for anything related to any word she used- hourglass sac etc. I ended up feeling more positive than I should have knowing all the prayers in the world were on this baby and that it had a good heartbeat and I made it to appointment day without bleeding or cramping. Deep down I knew that something was still wrong. Still I tried to be positive. Near to the day of my appointment which was at 8 weeks two days I noticed my pregnancy signs disappearing. I was getting mild migraines which I normally suffer from but hadn't since I got pregnant and the constipation was practically nonexistent anymore but still I thought it might just be stress because I could still cry ten times a day at nothing at all and my chest was still killing me.

Our appt was at 3 but since a slot opened up we came in at ten. The second the doctor walked into the room I knew it was not good. I could see in her eyes that she would be shocked if there was anything on the screen that showed a viable pregnancy. As soon as the ultrasound began there was silence. I knew just from the first ultrasound pictures she gave me that this looked totally different. There was nothing. If anything the baby would have been bigger. As she moved around in silence I quietly said "It looks empty" She confirmed that and then finally found the remains of the baby nearer to the bottom of the sac lifeless and smaller than the original measurement of 6 1/2 weeks. She notated how my uterus was narrowing, elongating getting ready to actually miscarry. A normal sac would be spherical which mine just never was. The doctor gave us our options and directed us to her office. I sat motionless refusing to cry as she left the room. I didn't have to decide what to do right then, I could think about it. I could wait for my body to naturally miscarry which the doctor said I should be able to handle on my own because it is so small and of course natural is the best way because your body prepares itself for the smallest amount of blood loss. However if I didn't rid of all of the contents I would need to go to the hospital for a D&C. I could instead go straight into the hospital for a half day under anesthesia and have a D&C which is basically the same procedure as an abortion where in my case the remains of the the baby and uterline lining would be vacuumed out. However even though in my case it would be morally ok to do a D&C since the baby already died there are small risks but risks are risks- my uterus could be punctured, I would be under anesthesia and I would have to wait a minimum of two months to try again because my uterine wall would be too weak.

So upon our drive home we decided to wait for my body to miscarry naturally. It would be very difficult but since I am home this summer I felt I could do it. Paul was so supportive and wanted to take off but since it might not happen for awhile I told him he was to go to work. That day was truly the worst day of my life. I woke up thinking I was pregnant, wore my pretty maternity top (my chest got huge) and by 10:30am our world was shattered. I was pregnant no more. I came home and ripped the shirt off and put on a pj top and spent the better part of the day in bed.

I remember calling my mom since she is laid back and cool hoping she could say something to make it all better but she just cried. I then called my sister who answered the phone in the biggest voice ever "HOW'D IT GO?" I simply sobbed the baby died. I think she may have been more shocked than me but I don't know. I went back to bed. Paul waited until his parents were both home the evening to tell them and they were very upset too. The two of us just couldn't talk to anyone anymore. I learned quickly that people have no idea what to say when you tell them "Yeah the baby died but it is still inside me and I am going to carry it until my body decides to get rid of it." I don't think anyone understands that concept unless they lived it. I don't know of anyone who had to do that although my doctor told me it is common for the body to take up to two weeks to miscarry after it is no longer viable. However most people experience the miscarriage first and then the remains are tested to see how far along it was.

During this whole process I had NO CLUE what to expect. Was I going to be in the grocery store and oh my God would I start hemorrhaging all over A&P. Could I be driving somewhere and cramp so bad I would drive off the road. A good friend, who has no idea how much I appreciate her kind words and guidance, who experienced a miscarriage earlier this year told me I would begin to cramp and then it would get worse. My doctor confirmed this. That is my cue to get home NOW. I would then spend a good hour or so bleeding and passing clots which would be the remains of the baby, placenta and uterine lining. It would be unlikely I could actually see the baby since it is so small but I could collect a sample of clotted material to have tested to ease my fears of some uterine disease. Although my doctor said my uterus was fine and the only abnormalities she saw were contained within the pregnancy sac I will still have it tested. The doctor has been great, answering questions every time SHE calls me. She checks up on me every other day. I feel like I am understanding this a little more each time.

So far during the nine days that have passed since my last appointment and three weeks since my original appt my body has not cued me to any signs of an imminent miscarriage yet. I spoke to the doctor again today and the conversation was a bit odd. She asked if anything happened yet and I think she was surprised when I said nothing happened. She asked about any cramping or spotting- NONE. She asked if I still had any pregnancy symptoms and I have only a few. Most have diminished. She told me to come in on Monday for another ultrasound to confirm everything and see what's going on if I don't have the miscarriage sooner. I thought something might be terribly wrong with me because why would my body want to carry something that is not viable, but the doctor said a small percentage of people can take longer than two weeks so I felt better. I can still wait to miscarry naturally although it seems like so long and I don't know how much longer I can mentally handle this. I can still choose from D&C next week or pills used to bring on miscarriage at home. The pills are to detach the uterine lining and soonafter it causes the cervix to tell my body to dialate and contract to complete the miscarriage. The cramping is far worse than naturally and the wait to try again is the same as the D & C. So the choice is yet to be made. It is so hard. I have never in my life prayed for menstrual cramps like I have been lately and I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything except eat and sleep. I did attend a concert far from home only because we spent so much money on the tickets but I was a basketcase most of the time. I had a plastic bag in my pocketbook in case I had a miscarriage there so I could collect a sample. I wore the biggest pad I could find and brought a reddish color sweatshirt to sit on just in case so I wouldn't bleed all over Paul's friend's new truck! I did enjoy the concert but it was very difficult. I think there was one moment that lasted quite awhile for me when this little kid in front of us caught the beach ball and turned around to hit it into the crowd and it nailed my sister full force straight in the face from a distance of about two feet. It was only a beach ball so it didn't hurt but I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. Everytime I looked at her I burst into hysterics. It felt so good to laugh. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I laughed like that. I am so glad she is a good sport.

Other than that venture I don't do much. I don't answer the phone because I tried and I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say and neither does anyone else. I found email to be easier because there is not intonation or voice and you don't hear the sorrow or pity in people's typing. I think that is what kills me. When I talk to someone I start off composed but as soon as they look at me or talk I can see or hear the change in their face and voice. I know how they must feel because I know how I feel but it is still too hard to do. Some people say I am sorry, You can try again, this is normal to happen, 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, it's for the best because you didn't want a baby that had something wrong with it, or my favorite -->how are you feeling? And what about the people who have had trouble getting pregnant or experienced a miscarriage before- what will I say, what will they say, what are they thinking??

These questions and statements should never be said except maybe I am sorry and LEAVE IT AT THAT. Most people who try to or successfully get pregnant are aware of the miscarriage statistics because we obsess over them. You are right we didn't want a baby with a chromosomal deformity, no one wants that but we want to be reassured that it was that and not something else that was caused by my body. Of course we will try again but depending on our emotional stability and the readiness of my body it may be awhile. We are fearful that we may miscarry a number of times before we get a healthy pregnancy and we only can hope to get a healthy one. You cannot say YOU WILL DEFINITELY HAVE A BABY because you don't know that- you can only hope that. Chances are good but hence the word CHANCE.

How do I feel??? Hmmmm in a nutshell- let's see I am not pregnant which for the first 8 weeks and 2 days until I found out that we were not pregnant was bliss. Paul and I researched car seats, diet, swore off coffee and caffeinated soda, bought the expensive chocolate milk that I didn't have to mix, made lists of possible names, dreamed about our baby and what it would be like to hold him or her. I bought Paul the book "The Expectant Father" and he would come home everyday with new things to talk about and I was so proud of him learning all this new stuff. I read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" cover to cover and used it like a Bible. Paul bought me little chocolates to feed to me when I got cranky or moody. Paul and I watched baby shows to see what other people experienced. I had to buy some maternity clothes to fit the growing chest and hide the chocolates which were starting to show a little too much. We researched the hospital and all the wonderful things it offered. It felt wonderful like a miracle- I even joked I was going to be pregnant forever so I would get spoiled and eat chocolates all the time! I even started training Tom and Jerry to "get the pamper" which they weren't too good at so I guess more time now is better for training that. But in the end I am still carrying a baby although it is not living and it would be 10 weeks and 4 days old today, Thursday, July 26, 2007. I marked my calendar and will still celebrate the would be baby's due date privately and hope that by then we may be pregnant with a healthy baby. I still have to wear bigger clothes because during this time I am not very active except for eating and sleeping. I pray each day that this miscarriage will be without any complications or further need for a D & C. I feel that this miscarriage will be far worse than real child labor in the fact that even though there will be only heavy cramping as my body passes the miscarriage, the pain of not getting a baby to hold afterward will be much worse. We will not know if it is a boy or girl, if it would have had blue or brown eyes. We will not even hear its first cry, I will only hear myself. I try to get through each day crying less than five times. So far it has not happened. I feel I am over the initial shock of not having a baby "this time," but the torture of waiting for a miscarriage is far worse than I ever imagined. I also found out that a close friend is pregnant due a week later than I was expecting and the thought of going through this with someone had felt wonderful. We would have each other to compare to. Even though my pregnancy didn't work out I am still happy to say I am excited about hers. I know a lot of pregnant people and I don't despise them or anything. I am actually excited for them. I am sad about my situation but I would be happier hearing about other people's healthy, exciting experiences especially those who are close to me.

So in the future, my doctor said I should have no problems next time we try because I was able to get pregnant quickly, my pregnancy was in the correct place, I have a nice supply of eggs and this pregnancy truly showed abnormalities within the pregnancy sac only, no other problems with my uterus or anything else. On another side note during this time of grief I can't help but sadly look at some of the people I know or children I have taught and can't come to terms of why people who are on drugs or alcohol or abuse their kids still have the chance to conceive. I think of all the kids in foster homes even students in my own class that are foster kids who live day to day away from their moms and dads because of horrible situations and choices. I don't understand why these people were given the chance REPEATEDLY and still fail and show no signs of turning around and why good people who would make excellent parents are deprived. Life' s not fair but I hope all of these good people are given the chance naturally or by other means to have children of their own. I applaud the women who have chosen to put their babies up for adoption because now my two cousins and their husbands have successfully adopted one daughter each. With love to Lorelei and Clover :)

Many people may not understand why Paul and I decided to publish this blog publicly, but for the first time in many days I found a blog on the internet-- ONE PERSON who publicly wrote about her story which is similar to mine and I felt relieved, normal, like I wasn't the only one in the world who experienced this and felt this way. We know many people keep things private and to even explain these details to close family and friends is nearly impossible. Also many of our friends and family don't know who knows or how to explain what we are going through to others. Hopefully this will clarify some things and our story will find other people who may have experienced or will experience similar things and that it will help them feel at peace knowing they are not the only ones. As for us we continue our journey of waiting for our miscarriage to occur as peacefully as possible which has taken over my summer and our vacation plans and hope for a healthy baby next time. We both want to thank everyone who has been thinking about us and praying for us and for remembering that a gentle smile and a prayer goes further than any words ever could. We would like to move ahead with our life as soon as we can.

Silly Jerry

Jerry "The Mighty Quinn" aka Mr. Troublemaker and Tom Jones

Well Jerry has done it again. He is constantly stealing the spotlight from Tom along with his toys and his snacks. Jerry has gotten smart to the fact that Tom has his invisible fence collar and cannot go near the perimeter of the yard so since Jerry doesn't have a collar yet, he takes all of Tom's toys- frisbee, tennis balls and squeakie toys and puts them just out of Tom's reach. Then he sits and plays with them happily all the while Tom sits and stares. Poor Tom. Even last night at agility class Tom was running and completing his obstacles nicely when Mr. Troublemaker Jerry excused himself from his crate. Yes he unlatched his crate and ran onto the agility floor completing a perfect FULL HEIGHT A-Frame and Dogwalk before I could catch that little punk. Tom just sat and stared as everyone gave Jerry their full attention laughing and cheering him as he took on obstacles way out of his league. Jerry is also becoming very competitive when we throw frisbees and tennis balls. He can run just about as fast as Tom. I even had to run full speed with Jerry on some of the beginner obstacles in his class last night because he was flying through them. Much different than my easy does it steady Tom. I certainly have my work cut out for me. Two completely different dogs playing the same game. I wonder who will be more successful. Enjoy the AKC mugshots. Wish Smartie and Tom luck as they compete in upcoming agility events in Port Jervis and Blackthorne.

Smartie's First Trial

On June 23-24th Smartie and Tom competed in a trial at Blackthorne in upstate NY. We loaded the car after school ended with Tom, Jerry and Smart-o on Friday and my dad and I headed up 2 1/2 hrs to East Durham. We had a good weekend other than having to switch rooms three times, severe sunburn issues and our tent self destructing! Smartie did great for her first trial and my dad didn't fall down!! A little out of breath but they both had a great time. Smartie only knocked a few bars down but she just started practicing 20in jumps two months ago and she was jumping 22 all weekend. She has dropped her weight nicely and strengthened her hind legs which is very important because she has mild displaysia. The vet has said keeping her active and doing agility will be beneficial in keeping her displaysia at bay.

Jerry had a good time walking around getting used to the sights and sounds of trialing. He tried to run for every piece of equipment and couldn't figure out why he couldn't play too. As for Tom he continues to throw me for loops. Saturday he had an excellent run but dropped one bar. He was focused and I was all over him thinking he would be loony like the last runs at the last trial. Everyone commented on how improved he was since last time. Well that didn't last. On Sunday he was back to his unfocused old self again. We will definitely be addressing this and hopefully he will grow out of some of it. (I hope!!!) I hate having people think he is vicious when he is such a softie at heart. He is deathly afraid of my friend Marianne's poodle Boots! Maybe he just needs those other Border Collies to give him a mean face. Who knows?? I feel bad for him :(

Anyway my dad can't wait to trial again but I think I am going to wait until the Fall to trial again and maybe only do one run and get him used to the atmosphere more. By then Tom will be 2 and hopefully more mature- ha!!!

Happy Birthday to BOOTS who turned 7 on Sunday, July 1st!